I suffer from depression. I have for most of my life. I'm always afraid to tell anyone. I'm afraid they will judge me. I'm afraid they'll think I'm just on anti-depressants so that I have the energy to be super-woman. I'm afraid they won't trust me with their kids. I'm afraid people will think I'm incapable. I'm afraid they'll think is just an excuse to be lazy. Instead I hide it, and make excuses and people think I'm a flake. Like when I say I can't do something that normal people would do with no problem. Or when I say I can do something but I just can't.
There are some days where I really like who I am. I am an artist. I am intelligent. I am trustworthy and capable.
And some days I just can't. I can't make phone calls. I can't go to sleep at night without the light on. I can stay awake in the afternoon.
I've walked around in a stupor all stinking day, and then suddenly at 7:30, my brain cleared and I feel normal. And I made a decision. I'm not going to take it anymore! I'm not going to hide anymore! I'm going to find a medication that really works, and I'm going to allow myself to do only what I'm capable of. If I can't do something, I'm not going to torture myself because a normal human being should be able to do it. The fact is, I'm not always a normal human being. The fact is, I'm limited sometimes.
So my friends, ask me to do things. Ask me to watch your kids or teach your Sunday school class or host a tupperware party. I'll say yes if I can. And if I can't I will tell you. I'm not going to flake out on you or make excuses anymore. I respect you too much for that.
There are some days where I really like who I am. I am an artist. I am intelligent. I am trustworthy and capable.
And some days I just can't. I can't make phone calls. I can't go to sleep at night without the light on. I can stay awake in the afternoon.
I've walked around in a stupor all stinking day, and then suddenly at 7:30, my brain cleared and I feel normal. And I made a decision. I'm not going to take it anymore! I'm not going to hide anymore! I'm going to find a medication that really works, and I'm going to allow myself to do only what I'm capable of. If I can't do something, I'm not going to torture myself because a normal human being should be able to do it. The fact is, I'm not always a normal human being. The fact is, I'm limited sometimes.
So my friends, ask me to do things. Ask me to watch your kids or teach your Sunday school class or host a tupperware party. I'll say yes if I can. And if I can't I will tell you. I'm not going to flake out on you or make excuses anymore. I respect you too much for that.
This is great Cheyenne! Depression is a real thing, something that need not be hidden. And yes, you are a normal human being. There are many people who suffer from depression and they too are hiding it. You are an awesome individual and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog through Tanit-Isis. I don't have depression on an ongoing basis, but it's been an issue for the past couple of months. I completely understand the flaking issue. I am not too bad for doing that at home, but wow, it's getting to be an issue at work. I even hear myself saying I'll do something that I know isn't going to happen, which feeds into the cycle of me not doing something else because I feel bad. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteWe all have challenges, some are easier to see than others. Three cheers to you for stepping out into the open.